by Noor Redha
Tired of everything. Tired of fighting all the time with you.
Speechless is all I can say.
Hopeless and heartbroken all in one. Tears keep rolling down my cheeks whenever I think about it.
I keep asking myself, why me? Why does it have to turn out this way? Why do you have to do this to me? Was everything I did for you enough that you have to let go of me and let me suffer? How could you be so heartless Mr husband when you took my dignity and throw it away?
Why do I have to go through so much at this age when I just wanted to start my new journey of life? Maybe this is retribution for whatever sins I’ve made in life.
So many questions play out in my mind till this day but still, I can’t get all the answers to my questions.
Dating a Muslim man was never my dream because I had the belief that they are never filial and responsible. They selectively follow Muslim law by saying that they are allowed polygamy and easily divorce their wives as and when they like, but what about the wife? They can’t do anything to protect themselves even when they are a filial and good wife. Is it fair?
When I met my current husband, who was my first Muslim boyfriend then, I was grateful and happy that this might be it! At that point in time, I was all alone and recovering from a bad downfall. I was seeking the attention and love of my parents. Due to my history with my family four years ago, I’ve been separated from my parents and started to live alone. I miss them so badly and was yearning for their presence when he appeared in my life. He was like an angel that Allah had sent to me and I believed it happened for a reason. He brought me to meet his parents after a few days of being coupled. He taught me what is love through his parents as his parents were caring and loving towards me compared to my own parents.
Knowing I’m renting a place alone, his dad was worried and sympathetic. He suggested that I move in and stay with them instead. It was a hard decision to make as I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I was thinking constantly about what others might think or say, knowing that a Muslim woman was staying together with someone who was not her mahram. It is considered sinful and against Muslim law. Thus, his father demanded that we get married and not prolong the relationship. Because of this, I feel that he was obliged to marry me when he was not ready and prepared to accept me as his wife.
“Saya sayangkan Noor dan saya akan jaga dia sampai saya mati.” I love Noor and I will take care of her till the day I die. I still remember those words, his promise to my dad the first time they met to tell him that we are getting married so as to get his blessings. I was happy and grateful that someone will take care of me after so many things that have happened in my life but I didn’t know that it will end this way. Where did those promises go to?
His attitude suddenly changed four months into our marriage. We got into fight after fight due to our financial instability. He gave me nafkah for two months in the marriage, but he would later ask me for the money back. He always asked me for money. He didn’t fulfill his responsibility as a husband but instead blamed me. The fights started when I texted him in the middle of the night and I found out that he didn’t save my number as sayang like back when we were dating. He just let my number be unknown. I was so angry and sad at that point of time that I flared up. Perhaps it was due to the long suppression of patience in bearing his attitude.
After a few months, Allah sent someone to show me the “real” him through Facebook. My world crashed down when I got to know that he had an affair with a woman in Indonesia. I just couldn’t believe my eyes after seeing the evidence. I felt like it’s the end of my world. What did I do wrong to him? Where did it go wrong? I did my responsibility as a wife such as doing the house chores even though I was sick at that point in time. I didn’t cook for him and his family as I didn’t know how to cook but I did help out and learn how to cook from my in-laws. The reason that I’m being divorced is that I’m an “unreasonable and violent wife” just because of my past. I just don’t understand his term of me being unreasonable.
I accepted his flaws and the heartbroken deeds that he has done to me but instead he simply dumped me as if I’m just like garbage. Shouldn’t I be the one who asked for the divorce?
“Buat apa Noor nak dengan dia lagi. Tinggalkan dia aje.” Why do you still want him, Noor. Just leave him. My father in law told me one day when I was very sick at home. Even his father can’t bear to see the pain and suffering that I’m going through because of this irresponsible son of his. Where did his sense go? Where is the humanity and the caring man I once known? Why should I leave him when I didn’t do anything wrong to him?
The feeling of being alone again is very scary and painful but what can I do to change that reality? Women are always wrong in society’s eyes. Even though they have sacrificed so much for the family, they are not appreciated. Men, on the other hand, can easily marry and throw away their woman as and when they like. I wonder how the Syariah system looks at cases like mine where my husband is manipulative, playing the innocent victim while casting me as the bad one.
Shouldn’t he give me the second chance to rebuild this relationship like I gave him a chance to repent from his ways? Shouldn’t he be grateful for having me as his wife who is not materialistic and didn’t asked for much from him? All I wanted is just a simple and happy life. Why can’t he provide that?
Only Allah knows and has the answers to all to my questions. For now, let time heal this broken heart.
Noor loves to write, reading novels and travelling.
Illustration by Ishibashi Chiharu