Faith in Struggle

By Elfarina Roszaini

I lost my mother at 16 years old and I struggled with the realness of death and its inevitability. It has been 7 years now and it has not gotten easier. Since that fateful Thursday evening, I had been floating. Wandering along, moving swiftly through the motions, never finding a real purpose in anything that I did.

No matter how hard I tried, the sense of emptiness only grew. I felt lonely – a kind of loneliness I cannot describe. It was with me all day and all night. Everything was dark. I had only groveled in the dirt, building a roof on top of my head that protected me from nothing.

One day, I decided that I did not want to be lost any longer. I dug my way out from underground, aspiring to be in the skies instead. I decided to change what I can change first – the way I look. That is where the journey of my hijab began.

The trials are endless. Each moment, and every second, is a struggle. The greater jihad for me was to live in the presence of God – the constant fight against my inner ego, to accept that I am nothing but a slave. I still falter at times, and every waking moment is a test from Allah (swt).

I only have two options: to win or to lose – and I believe that I was not given this life here on Earth to lose. Insyaallah, by seeking guidance and strength only from Allah swt, all of our trials will turn into blessings.

I’ll do my part, and leave the rest to Allah swt, in loving fear and faith.